Man, a lot of things happened yesterday; and not much at all. Caught up with Cade yesterday so that was great. I then went out to eat Ramen for lunch, so that was filling, tasty, and sinus-clearing. Came back, sent out some LinkedIn messages to 4 people who I thought would be valuable mentors. Hopefully 1 or more respond.
Then chatted with the Big 3 while we watched Rams vs Packers. Lots of things were discussed around the ideas of working, retirement, hobbies, family, etc. I was initially disengaged, typing out some of these entries, watching the game and just doing other things on my phone. I was a bad conversation partner, expecting Dak & Shak to carry it. But after a bit, I realized I was falling into the same pit that I'd been in and didn't want to continue making the same mistake. I need to be consistent with all of my friends and people that I interact with. So I asked more questions, focused solely on the discussion, listened more intently, and gave more processed responses. I'm glad I did so, b/c the convo was more lively and engaging. I wasn't trying to convince anyone or at least I hope it didn't come across that way. I was just expressing my way of thinking and trying to deepen the understanding of the other's thought process. Also felt more comfortable sharing my own ideas when asked the question so satisfied that I went into some detail of one of my bold ideas.
Then watched Ravens vs Bills while normal dinner & continued blog post prep. Then the culminating unexpected event of the night was an impromptu family meeting. We hadn't had one since I came back so it was good to talk things out. After reading an important chapter of Childhood Matters yesterday morning and talking to Pragya, the ideas and feelings of acceptance and respect were fresh on my mind. My brother has the Strengthsfinder strength of Command, so he wants to always get to the root of the issues and embrace conflict and friction. Going through that process will enable ppl to get closer, in general and with the fam. Dad has the tendency to repress the emotions he's feeling and exit the situation when conflict arises. Mom can also repress emotions but sometimes also wears them on her sleeve, so it's a balance. Sometimes it comes out all at once, sometimes it's internalized and not fully expressed. I wanted to practice the idea of acceptance as well as talk about some shortcomings (mostly unintentional) that they had parenting us. I don't regret what I said, but I think I could have expressed it differently. I wanted to convey the message that during our early formative years, they raised us as well as they knew how. But the thing was with tendencies of them to repress emotions, that became the norm in the family. Things they did / didn't do or said / didn't say created an environment that in some ways, my brother and I weren't "good enough" as is, valued or accepted just the way we are. They were, with good intentions, encouraging us in their own way to achieve success academically and otherwise before first addressing our full emotional needs. I don't blame them for that since that may have been how they were raised, so I don't hold it against them. But regardless of if they've changed (and they have positively since then), the fact is that that happened and molded our way of thinking, consciously, and more importantly and less realized, subconsciously. I was trying to connect that because that happened during childhood, we as adults are trying to learn from those mistakes and our past beliefs and assumptions. But the way that may have come across was self-righteous, harsh since I like to speak directly, not emphasized with enough empathy to express that they were / are still outstanding parents. Another point made in the book is that children especially & adults as well may sometimes not be able to distinguish their behavior with their identity. "I hit that person" means it was a bad behavior, but that does not mean "I'm a bad person," just that "my behavior was bad." Sometimes, many times, it can be hard to distinguish the two, especially real time. Since I was being more direct and accusatory, and combined with mom's momentary inability to distinguish parental behavior from overall "good & bad parents" and dad's tendency to repress emotions, the overall situation escalated and the discussion was not constructive in my opinion any more. However, I struggle to find that balance of letting someone fully express their emotions, especially when they may be repressed otherwise, and calming the situation down. From there, my only goal was to make things peaceful and as resolved as they can be before heading to sleep. I wish I explicitly stated that while there were actions done years ago that affected us growing up, that this was a chance for everyone to grow, including myself, going forward and that those behaviors didn't make them on the whole "bad parents." The fact that I'm able to think for myself is a sign that they've done a great job. But with anything there's room for improvement, so I hope my parents can recognize that just like parenting, my brother and I also have the best intentions for everybody. I take full responsibility for what unfolded. On a grand scale, I created this situation as did everyone else there. I just want us to accept that. I also wished I had used more examples since they can relate to that better. I thought of some of them this morning after the fact but woulda been nice to use "positive" and "negative" examples throughout our childhood to accentuate the difference b/w behavior and identity. I was fully culpable of that growing up, especially in adolescence, of not fully expressing myself w/ fam or even w/ friends and I'm just now improving that intentionally. I still have so much to discover internally there. A "positive" one is them showing sacrifice to take care of us kids through thick and thin, so I'm so grateful for that. A "negative" one is hitting us with hangers or threatening to put a metal spoon on the burner and then put that on our thighs for a quick second (thankfully the latter never happened). Idt that would have ever actually happened but just the threat of it didn't address the root issue of acceptance. In adolescence, a "negative" one was comparing our academic results to other "more successful" people that made us feel not adequate enough. Contrastingly, a "positive" one was supporting your child's passions by paying for tennis lessons and buying me a keyboard and harmonium. All of those are instances. They don't define "good parenting" or "bad parenting." Unfortunately, by not giving them examples of ways they provided and sacrificed so much for us, they automatically jumped to the conclusion that [since we didn't provide opportunity to fully express ourselves and our emotions and accept them → we are bad parents]. So I apologize to them for making them feel such a way and I also forgive myself to learn from the situation and become better.
I think I'm getting better at recognizing, understanding and addressing my biases and I have a long way to go. My parents I think have done as good of a job as they can in questioning societal beliefs like the caste system. But recognizing internal beliefs can be the toughest and that's why they have much room for improvement. For example, the assumption that a doctor is a better job than something else is both societal and personal. Another is "I need more financial freedom to be happier / happy." I'm not sure if they recognize those types of subconscious beliefs consciously. If they don't, then I at least want to show them that they exist. And if they do see them, I want to learn how they're putting an intentional effort to address them. So this comes down to open-mindedness and growth mindset. If we recognize & understand these assumptions but don't intentionally work on them to perceive the world better, then it comes down to a fixed mindset vs. a growth mindset. But for people my parents age, closer to retirement, I can totally understand just wanting get to the other side of working and having more freedom & independence to do what you want. In a sense, "I've done it my way for 50+ years, why do I need to change now when we look back at where we started as a family and where we are now." 100% empathize with it. With 4 stubborn people like all of us are, how do I show them to be open minded with these assumptions and beliefs? My job isn't to convince them of one thing or another. My role here is to ask the questions so that they can have constructive and reflective internal dialogue. I struggle with that as well in these family discussions. I've taken the responsibility to be the facilitator, mediator of these discussions. But I also must participate 100% in them so going back and forth in the exampled parts & moving things along & finding common ground is where I can drastically improve. During some comments that people make, I'll have very visible, sarcastic body language reactions that I must do a better job of controlling. When that happens visibly, my next action of speaking contains this tone which can be detrimental to the point I'm try to make. So work-in-progress there as well. Jumping back here, I think a major assumption / belief / bias that my parents have (& I think it's just not them but I can't say for sure) is that they think they'll always know what's best for children. Peeling this back, I think it stems from the way they were raised. To always follow & listen to your parents, because they have lived & experienced more of life than children. But I think the underlying assumption here is that age is the most accurate indicator of knowledge & wisdom. Whether it's with relationships, jobs, college & majors or anything else, expecting us to take the decision that they advise has been something they've done most of their life with their parents. And I totally get that. But what frustrates me the most is when they're willing to spend tens of thousands of dollars on my education and sacrifice so much for my learning & development in all areas, then when my brother or I try to explain the concepts & ideas & reasons for what we've learned and experienced, they're not open-minded enough to receive them because they have the assumption that since "I've lived more, I know more and I know what's best." Sometimes they do, but when they don't even acknowledge that it's scientifically proven or said in ancient scriptures that they themselves quote many a time, I don't understand the irony, fallacy, or double standard that's right in front of them. If I want to become a CEO, for example, am I going to go to my dad for advice on how to go about that (who is not a CEO himself or has had extended experiences w/ CEOs) or am I going to learn from CEOs and other leaders through personal interaction w/them and consuming their content? Clearly, the latter. Of course, I'm going to listen to what my dad says in this and other situations, but that doesn't mean I'm going to do what he says. It's an input in the process but it doesn't have to be the output. If they expect that, then I'm sorry that's an underlying belief that he has to address. But the question goes back to are my parents willing to entertain the idea that they have an assumption that age is the most accurate indicator of knowledge & wisdom. Of course, the manner in which I inquire and dig deeper into these subjects matter just as much as my content, so I must fully continue reflecting and addressing my areas for improvement as well. Hopefully this didn't read as a complete bashing on my parents. As the Childhood Matter book says as well, parents have to see their children as equals & children have to see their parents as equals. I don't think we do right now, so there's a long way to go there.
Really enjoyed the blog post! I do see where you're coming from but have you ever put yourself in the shoes of your parents? In the sense of like, how would you be as a parent if you immigrated to a country where you could barely speak the language, and you had to build a family as well as raise them according to 2 different cultures because you don't want them to lose a connection to their roots but you also don't want them to be judged in a country where everything is 10x or maybe 100x more advanced than how our parents were raised? I'm in no means neglecting how you are feeling but rather just wondering if you ever…