Was having a fantastic day up until the evening. Worked out, got bunch of stuff done at work with essentially no meetings, headed over to Tai Chi class and then came back and was watching a member-led event from the Year Zero Collective about DAOs (Decentralized Autonomous Organizations). Had never heard of them before but sounds pretty cool and has the potential to change how we organize and mobilize for change.
Yesterday though Mom had sent over the Crux blender with 3 different types of murruku in them. I, in my packed schedule yesterday, had only sent a text saying "Got it. Thank you!!" She was expecting a call in which I showed my surprise and gratitude, as one normally would. I didn't necessarily have the intention of calling even after that 9-10 pm DAO session. So the Universe was calling me out on it. About halfway through the workshop, she called and said she was a bit upset that I didn't call and had only texted a short message. I, of course being the wise person that I am, made the situation worse by explaining my day and situation, which probably was positioned as an excuse not giving a call. I had the right intention when sending the text but I didn't put myself in her place of the love and energy she made the food with and the effort to package everything up and send it here. I took it for granted. I also asked curiously "Why did you make these?" I'm not sure what I was expecting but she got even more upset and hurt. I made her feel bad for even sending them in the first place. Idk why I acted like that. After the calls, I thought about it for 30 min+. Trying to figure out why I behaved that way. What I should have done in those different moments. What I learned. What I could do differently next time in a similar situation. What I could do immediately to remedy the situation. I ended up giving a voice message expressing my remorse, gratitude, and love to her. I then decided to do a quick 3-min cleansing meditation of all my thoughts, words, and deeds from throughout the whole day. Definitely felt like a load off my shoulders sending the voice message and doing the meditation. I was able to forgive myself and hopefully she was able to forgive me. I think I had a better night sleep because of that compared to if I had just gone straight to bed.
One main identity-changing behavior I can take action on and practice as a learning from this situation is to take the extra 1 minute to send a voice message or a video of me expressing my sincere and humble gratitude. It's way more personal than a text and doesn't have the chance to be misconstrued because they can hear it in my voice the intention with which I'm expressing myself. I think I'm going to start doing this with all gifts that I receive. I want to make that a part of my identity as a truly compassionate and grateful person.
The other thing I'm thinking about is how and why did this happen? One reason is for the Universe to show me that I still have a long way to go to become the person I want to be. Digging deeper, what are the imprints which caused this? What are the shaping childhood events and themes that elicited this reaction? I think one thing from the past is I've never historically expressed myself well to family. Holding back various aspects of my life or not articulating fully even when asked. I've improved slightly in that regard over the last year+ but still have a long way to go. I've gotten much better at it with friends and coworkers but there's still a psychological block somewhere. I'm not sure if I can pinpoint any specific trigger consciously. That'll most likely have to be a subconscious experience. In divine timing. Something related to that is sometimes not being heard by parents. Not their fault as that may have been how there were raised. It's not as much of a cause now but sometimes the effects of whatever has happened in the past still come back in situations like last night. I didn't feel my viewpoint was taken into account initially so that's why I felt like I was being attacked for not responding the ideal way that I should have after receiving a gift from Mom. I went into defensive move, which was a downward spiral in those moments.
The other imprint that may still be contributing to my current identity is this: I don't know how to receive a gift. Growing up, people had modeled behavior that they didn't want to, at least the first couple times, receive a gift or a kind gesture. When Indian dads fight for who's going to pay the bill at the restaurant, that planted an imprint of, whether well-intentioned or not, "I don't need to receive a gift", or "I kindly reject your generous gesture." When I would see people refusing food to take home, I made that a part of my identity. Now, instinctually I just default to saying "No thanks" or "It's okay, I have food at home." Even when I'd want it and the person giving it would feel fulfilled by giving me some. With rides as well. I've always defaulted to an option that doesn't let me accept the other person's service. Ketan bhai's quote to me several years ago still rings true in my years. "Who are you to reject someone else's help? That could be their way of service to their community."
I think a pivotal moment happened in my middle school years that may have set back this process of accepting service from others. I was taking rides from my friends to go play tennis. They were old enough to drive but I wasn't. So it was usually a one way street there of them giving me rides but me not being able to reciprocate. The mom of one of these friends observed this pattern and called me out questioning why my parents couldn't drop me off at the tennis courts sometimes instead of asking my friends her kids to pick me up every time. I definitely cried after that. I didn't think that had too much of an impact but clearly it did. It was a learning moment then and 10+ years later still an unconscious trigger in certain situations.
So how do I resolve this moving forward? If someone wants to pay for food, I'll gladly accept it and say thank you without any reservations. If someone offers me a ride, I'll accept it and say thank you. If someone wants to give me money for something they found valuable, I'll take it with a grateful attitude and the approach of passing that service on. Let's see when the next situation / test like this arises and if / how well I can pass it!
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