Dang, it's been a LOONG time since I've journaled. Currently flying back to Kansas City to surprise Mom for Mother's Day weekend.
With moving places from the single family house with 4+ roommates to a 1 bed apartment, there's been a lot of change the last few days. I've only just started making the place my own, with a few more material items to complete V1 of the apartment. Just spending some time alone there made me realize something: that there are potentially a larger range of outcomes when you live alone compared to when you live with others. Being by myself, I can more easily fall into depression just caused by loneliness. OR I could be free of outside distractions at home and be more creative, optimized, and inspired than ever before. Living with people creates some level of checks and balances where the place can't necessarily get TOOO dirty or disorganized. There is some level of responsibility and accountability to make the house function in some semblance of order. However, for me, I don't think I was 100% my full self there at any point throughout my 9 months there. The potential was there but it wasn't fully realized in a space that was shared with others that were primarily strangers. Living alone, I think I'm able to start realizing that full potential. That Entelechy. I experienced a taste of it during my Quarterly Circle and it felt illuminating and energizing, making me yearn for another environment like that. I guess I asked and it happened. It's like my range when being alone could be -10 to 10. I see how easy it is to descend into mental health issues. To not be in peak mental fitness. With living with others, it's like a -8 to 8, or something thereabout. It's definitely realistic for mental health concerns there, but at least you do get some level of human connection. Now if those humans are a catalyst for a downward spiral of mental health, then that's another topic. But if the people provide some level of joy or even neutrality, I think the ease with which I'd encounter mental fitness concerns decreases. Only time will tell how I respond to this physical space update, but either way I'm eager to learn from it.
Since I've officially moved now, the question I asked myself when moving from Atlanta to Charlotte must be asked again. Why did I live in the house that I did? A recent answer was to create a connection with a child who'd be around the same age as children I'd ideally start my SpiritEd Dojo with. To confirm that, at least for an hour at a time, I can be fully engaged with him and really be a kid myself. There were a few times that I had to be assertive, but I did my best to approach the situation with respect and compassion. I was able to put the principles of Childhood Matters into practice. Another reason is to prove to myself that I could do, with the right intentions (most of the time), things to help keep the house running. I understood by doing what responsibility really means in that setting. When people wouldn't do simple things like take the trash out when it was full, fill up or empty the dishwasher and other basic chores, I tried approaching with a learning mindset. There were times when I would feel some sort of resentment towards them. 'Why am I always the one to do this day after day, week after week?'. I tried my best to consider the others' situations, reasons, schedules, etc. I would mostly self-correct in real time, shifting from thoughts of contempt to gratitude. Learned to take everything in front of me as an opportunity to do service for all the other roommates. Trying to inculcate the same mindset that Radhanath Swami had described Mother Teresa as having in his Journey Home book. Another reason was to make the most of my commute time. I would consume ~30-40 min of informative, insightful content every day that I could, then ponder, reflect, journal about. I learned an innumerable amount of things during that time frame, essentially all of which I've taken notes and / or built into my current identity or at least have locked away in my Vaults for future valuable use. I also learned that I don't want to have a pet that is limited by its space. If I were to ever get one, I want it to have the freedom to run and play anywhere. I just felt so bad for the 4 pets in the house that weren't really afforded the freedom that they all deserve. The homeowner's dog, especially, was neglected many days and I was the one who had to got the opportunity to take care of her. One of the biggest things I realized is what domestic abuse looks like; what many families across the country go through. But instead of just hearing about it, I was able to experience it, see it and hear with my own senses. Not just the impact it has on the adults but how it can effect children. Mental health, combined with alcohol and drug addiction, with domestic abuse is a flywheel model for all the wrong factors. I did my best in each situation to send positive energy through my thoughts, words, and deeds. Eventually, it did escalate but ultimately subsided after a bit of time. Now I can gain an empathy and understanding of what children might be experiencing at home in schools that have or should have a high emphasis on socioemotional connection. Now I can say I've experienced that and can directly speak to it. Really, there are hundreds of smaller lessons throughout all of the days I was there. It's an experience I won't forget as I now have more context to many different future ideas, concepts, and synthesis.
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