Enjoying my first evening on Friday at the yurt. Very productive day Friday, and hope it continues Saturday and Sunday as well.
I'm going to challenge myself to do things more streamlined during this planning process, which is what we're doing at work. I realized I don't need to plan every single task out for all the projects I might work on this quarter. Just fill in the milestones and as the milestones approach and are relevant to work on, then fill them out with more tasks to achieve the milestone. Creating an over-engineered project plan is not only not necessary, but actually detrimental to the execution of the project. For things that will definitively have to be completed, the steps repeated in sequence, etc., then building out project plans down to the action item makes sense and is valuable. Like the checklist I put together for LaundroLab Marketing for franchisees. However, for projects that you know the general direction but will have to course correct along the way, then having it open-ended to an extent allows that freedom, flexibility, and speed. Since most things at work are like that, that approach makes sense. For personal, outside of content, most things will also be like that. So I will have to have two different mindsets when building project plans for content (which will be repetitive to an extent) and non-content.
So one of the things I've realized recently is that I currently have a fear of success. I wouldn't have thought that but doing some deep thought exercises and analysis, I've recognized it to be true. One is actually related to the aforementioned planning. I like to build out all these project plans that are so in-depth and intricate and perfect before actually doing anything. I thought that was only a strength, but I actually think it's from a place of fear. I like to plan and plan and plan really as a defense mechanism to use against action. I'll spend all day planning to take action, but a very small amount actually taking that action. I find comfort knowing that I can set out the course but to actually traverse that course is fearful to my subconscious mind. Since planning doesn't actually require movement towards the goals, or creating structures and processes doesn't require movement towards the vision, I feel safe and comfortable there. That's probably one of the reasons why I love building systems and structures and processes. For me, I marvel at myself sometimes for how intricate a system I've concocted. But in those times sometimes, I fail to recognize that the system or process is only a means to an end of achieving something. That process without action is meaningless. And I fall into that trap many times.
Going deeper, I was trying to attract what imprints might be causing this. One small but perhaps mightily impactful thing I like to do is when I'm typing. When I make a mistake, even just 1 letter missing or extra or off, I'll delete the entire word and type it again. That doesn't sound too bad, right. But I amplify that when I make a single key mistake on the 10th word of a sentence that is otherwise perfect, I'll for some reason delete the entire sentence and retype it all just for that single typo. It gives me a feeling of safety and accomplishment that I can retype the whole sentence without any mistakes. That feeling of 'I have to get everything right 100% from the very beginning of whatever I'm doing. Otherwise I'm a failure.'
Another instance is when doing something manual and repetitive. Like on Excel / Google Sheets or Notion these days. When I am building out the project plan for my Vlog, which has 2 tasks associated with each piece of content, it requires a bit of manual work. Going in, changing each number to the number vlog it is of the quarter, copying and pasting, updating, selecting all of them and updating the status, priority, changing the date to each specific date. Doing this on the Content Pipeline database as well as twofold in the Action Item database for each task. In the middle of the blog one, I asked why. The blog and vlog are basically habits for me now as routine as brushing my teeth. Why do I need to create action items for things I already know I will do and will take a very short amount of time? It's the dopamine hit. I love seeing myself checking that task off even if it only took 2 min to do. Even if the admin of creating, updating, and checking off the task takes longer than the actual completion of the task. That's why I don't mind doing monotonous tasks that take significant time. Even if there's a way to potentially automate it, I'll prefer to spend that time doing it the longer, more inefficient way rather than explore the possibility of automation. I want to feel that sense of achievement, even if there's a better way out there.
I guess the more I journal about this, 2 things have become more and more clear. 1) I think it's definitely a fear of failure primarily compared to a fear of success (even though the latter might still be there) and 2) this has a lot to do with my childhood. I was consciously and subconsciously taught that I had to get 100% on everything, otherwise I wasn't good enough. From the start, everything had to be accurate, otherwise I had to start over from the beginning until I could master that to perfection. Additionally, if and only if and when I achieved that could I feel that sense of accomplishment. I needed to feel that accomplishment, maybe because I didn't feel that when I lived the rest of my life. Maybe I didn't feel comfortable going outside that comfort zone enough in early childhood, which leads me to staying inside it as I grew older. And when I can do things really well within that comfort zone, I feel accomplished. I'm not blaming anyone at all here. Simply stating circumstances that led me to have the beliefs and assumptions I've had now. Inperiences that my soul has been trying to unlearn for decades now.
So what can I do to unlearn them consciously now that I'm aware of them? I think starting with the lowest level imprint is usually a good way to go. In this case, to my knowledge right now, that would be the typing thing that I mentioned. So next time I make a mistake typing, I'm going to continue typing until I finish the sentence or even paragraph. I'm then going to go directly to those spots that have the errors and fix them. In the case of the manual-automation issue, I'm going to ask myself more often 'Why am I doing this? What's the purpose of this action?' That way, I don't get so lost in the process that I lose sight of the bigger pictures. These seem like insignificant and obvious corrections, but I think they'll have profound impacts if I follow them the way I want.
Going even more forward here, how can I help others not fall into the same trap? First is just awareness that every single thing we see, hear, touch, taste, smell, feel, think, say, and do leaves in imprint. Once people recognize that, they can more consciously make decisions that take those into account. On my points specifically now, when learning typing for example, I'd let kids feel successful whatever score they got on a typing test. They don't need to fix the typing errors right in that moment, but they can come back to it at some other point. I think that's one of the things I've learned at 2U is that we have a high standard but imperfection is expected. The first time doing something, let's get, let's say, 80% of the way there. Then later let's come back and see where we can improve to bring it up to 90, then 95, then 99%. And then do that with everything. The more things we can bring to an 80% level initially, the more overall success we can have. Translating that back to children, the more areas of life they can experience 80% mastery in, 1) they'll feel confident that they still know the skill while simultaneously recognizing they can fill in the gaps later 2) they'll get more exposure to a diversity of experiences, which allows greater long-term creativity and achievement 3) they won't feel less than for not having mastered the remaining 20% in that moment. Also teaching children why they're learning what they're learning is vital. With that information, they can put the process in context of the results to take the most effective actions. Something I wish I had done more of growing up.
Related to that is this seemingly contradictory perspective of the public education system in the US. I was taught that results were the most important thing at school. (To my dad's credit, he attempted to instill in me that the process matters more - if I put in 100% effort, the results will naturally work themselves out). However, by pounding home that results mattered more, I would find ways to detect loopholes, shortcuts, and circumvent the process to get the desired result. And not my desired result. But the school's and system's desired result. Which I foolishly believed was my desired result. And that was the desired result that my parents were then fed.
By not having the ideal balance between the process and the results, the educational system compelled me to create my own perceived balance between the two. Under that perception and belief, I internalized actually both sides of it. On one hand, I believed that I had to achieve the results, no matter what process I took to get there. That way I justified when I would subtly cheat or bend the rules. On the other hand, I've now overcorrected by believing that the process is single-handedly the most important thing to long-term success. The truth, as it usually is, lies somewhere in the middle. Having experienced both extremes of it already, I think I now have a unique perspective and challenge to discover that ideal balance for myself between process, action, and results. The next step is to then create a system that characterizes and embodies this perfect harmony. (LOL yes, I realize this irony.)
I've been challenging myself more lately to get myself to that 80%, or at least work towards it, rather than have everything so meticulously planned and structured to achieve that 100%. In most cases, the 100% that I planned for is anyways different the closer I get to it. So it's a futile exercise. This is the basic principle of Waterfall vs Agile, so I'm glad I'm able to make the vast array of connections to this with my own life and the education system.
Enough planning - more action! Transcend that fear of failure!
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